c0mplicated?

Lying d0wn on my bed..and as usual,,watching my fav0urite m0vies. Right n0w?,im watching "THE PERFECT MAN" ..well,i w0nder when i'm g0nna meet mine s0meday-_^

life right n0w is kinda okay. I'm just right here,alth0ugh n0t in a f0rmal relati0nship..,but at least,hey..i kn0w i am n0t al0ne!,s0meone i can share my th0ughts and spend s0me time with. Well, he wants 2 have a deeper relati0nship with me, but..ai.. Maybe its just me. I just dont want t0 jump into relati0nship and make things c0mplicated. Do y0u kn0w da feeling that y0u just g0t tired of l0ving s0me0ne and u cried a l0t than being happy? I d0nt wanna cry, i juz wanna be happy! But, i guess getting hurt is part of l0ve. And i d0nt wanna get hurt anym0re. S0, until i am ready 2 face reality of getting hurt, i aint ready t0 l0ve again....

well,en0ugh with the l0velife! We were in MANHATTAN then to CANTINA TEQUILLA aftawards last weekend, then TRANCESKEI on a sat! But it was okay...

hmm..cherry's birthday is c0ming up!she t0ld me its g0nna be a p0ol party..waaaaah!i g0tta get back in shape.and H20 PARTY is on da 4th of OCT.l0tsa peepz invitin'me.geez!sexy bikini u mean??!haha.xx

nweiz,i feel like eating,but am n0t so hungry!hayy..just b0red,pr0bably!
Pizza w0uld be a g0od idea;)

j0urney still r0ckz!

just finished watchin'da DESPERATE H0USEWIVES!,it was really nice!..en s0 da narrating was really g0od.it is really true,s0mewhere s0meh0w,UGLY SITUATION ALWAYS EMERGE!,but..hey,datz life!th0 we must all kn0w h0w make things seem beautiful.Just like dec0rating y0ur own life,what lay0ut its g0nna be..or simply makin'it simple.

i haven't g0t a chance t0 write much stuff dat happened over the weekends. Well,da weekend was FAB!,except dat i g0t sw0rn again by diz oda guy..hu juz l0st respect t0wards me.and if i wasn't mistaken,he sw0re at me even b4!..w0t a gurl 2d0?,if he l0st respect 2wards me,why l0se respect 2wards myself,right?HE CAN GET L0ST!..all i kn0w,i deserve better treatment than dat!;)

nweiz,letz m0ve on!,i had a fantastic weekend!,alth0ugh it was a BURIAL of my c0usin. L0tsa pe0ple came,and s0 my other relatives. S0metimes,when i think ab0ut it..i have alm0st f0rg0tten they still exist!..well,im talkin'b0ut my ENEMIES!,and n0w that i have m0ved on with my life..they c0uldn't even get near me.or s0meh0w,the treatment is a lil bit better!

i d0n't kn0w if it was just me that i'm starting t0 l0ve myself again..dat dey c0rresp0nd on h0w i treat myself n0wadays!

we went t0 cantina tequilla last saturday.en me,cherry,milet,shyne and ryan r0cked da nyt!..it was a g0od thing dat dey enj0yed our c0mpany. I mean,if my c0usin,MILET didnt enj0y our c0mpany..,she w0uldn't invite us t0 her fashi0n sh0w on N0V.15,ryt?YIPEEE!,i'l get a chance 2 watch a RUNWAY!..hmmm..

Dellaz ph0ned da other day and he's taking me 2 his studi0 on friday or saturday..h0pe everything will do well!

t0o bad dat my bestfriend c0uldn't make it with us on SAT!wish she was there,t0o!;)

...there are l0tsa guys wh0 keep on calling or smsing me!but this relati0nship thing has g0tten int0 me. Its like,i'm fed up wit it,en derz n0thing m0re of me 2 give...

i am n0t hurtin..
just g0t tired,maybe!
and LOVING S0ME0NE AGAIN
is just
TO0 G0OD
TO
BE
TRUE.
i juz had en0ugh!

and i d0nt think i am ready again,and s0meh0w..n0t afta 3 m0nths time. I just kn0w and i feel it, it just aint the right time f0r an0ther relati0nship...

but i am s0 glad I AM OVER OF THAT SHIT. i supp0sed i just fell inl0ve with fallin' inl0ve but n0t really int0 l0ve. And..datz juz n0t ryt! I mean, i aint dat desperate 2 be l0ved,am i? But i am just glad dat i have cut it out..cuz i am juz tired of trying,caring,l0ving..and crying!

thinkin'over...

its half-past-one in da m0rning and i still can't sleep..

it has been days that i haven't written anything in here.n0thin'much happened...except that my c0usin passed away on friday. So,the wh0le family are c0ming all the way t0 j0hannesburg f0r the funeral. Hayyy.. L0tsa pe0ple are c0ming and its been 2yrs since i haven't faced them. I w0nder what's g0nna happen...

Tom0rr0w is friday and my m0m en da rest of my relatives are c0ming! Or sh0uld i say,later??! I d0n't kn0w what t0 expect. I mean,they always ask l0tsa questi0ns.talk ab0ut my life,advices..etc,etc! I mean..they can't just let me live!well.,s0me of them...

But,ill be seeing my bestfriend f0r the 1st tym afta 2yrs!!!..can u imagine?and da rest of da gr0up are g0nna be 2geda....everyb0dy's g0nna be there!..and so,s0me of the pe0ple i hate da m0st,t0o!

Anyways,g0tta l0ve and leave ya!

xx..Cia0..xx

sw0llen eyebags!

i sh0uld n0t let any guy destr0y respect 2 myself...he has c0st me s0 much pain. My eyes are still swelled up,en he's n0t even w0rth it....after all he has d0ne and t0ld me. I never d0ne him wr0ng,he kn0ws that.... It was all his insults and eventually, it reached da p0int i've had en0ugh...

i didn't deserve this.

stereotypical view

..i d0n't kn0w what t0 feel anym0re. i am crying like hell right n0w and seems like my heart is breaking int0 pieces and all shattered. I never ch0se t0 have a life like this. But, i am striving hard t0 reach my dreams!

i hate 2 think dat i am starting t0 hate men even m0re. I th0ught i've met a perfect man f0r me. But, anyway...

i d0n't understand pe0ple critisizing me. If pe0ple only knew what my situati0n is. Unf0rtunately, i can't tell each and everyone of them. U think its easy t0 pull out a happy face everytime t0 hide away my pain. They just d0n't kn0w, i've been f0oled, treated like shit, i've g0t n0thing....but h0pe.

i hate t0 think i am s0 helpless. But, i just f0rce myself t0 believe i will get there by hanging on a str0ng grip, out of n0thing!

..i can ch0ose t0 be miserable only if i want t0. I can abuse myself unlimitedly! Think ab0ut my h0rrible life and get dr0wned with self-pity all the time. And thr0ugh th0se happy faces i've been pulling out, i am being stere0typed with n0 sense of resp0nsibility.

its hard t0 abs0rb it all when y0u are trying t0 reach out f0r a little bit of help, but s0me pe0ple think u are just depending. When i only have little s0urces, and s0me think i am just irresp0nsible..
When i want to have s0me fun and f0rget ab0ut my pr0blems f0r a while, while s0me pe0ple think i am t0o abusive!

i am n0t all th0se. I am just a n0rmal pers0n trying to get out of emptiness for a little bit of happiness:'(

if i c0uld only ch0ose da right settings in life, if only i have en0ugh, if only i am n0t trying t0o hard.... i w0uldn't wish t0 be in this situati0n! But th0se were just IF's,and i want t0 change them myself..but guess,i am still immature en0ugh. S0rry, i am just human myself, wh0 d0esn't wanna be l0nely at all times... :(

i wish i c0uld just give up through this j0urney i am having. But, i have t0 walk,run al0ng,cry,smile,try,fall,rise,deal with it.... I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

...and i am s0 hurt right n0w.

..my j0urney never st0ps in here. T0m0rr0w, i am m0ving out....n0where else t0 g0,but..c0me what may!,all i kn0w,my heart is l0sing its beat..,h0w c0uld s0me pe0ple be s0 cruel of depriving a simple happiness by judging my wh0le being.....

..bring me t0 life.

T_T

..d0n't mess up!

..i admitt,i've d0ne s0 many mistakes in da past!,th0se mistakes have taught me h0w t0 be str0ng,t0 keep my feet on da gr0und....

..s0me pe0ple misjudge me!,i'm a party animal,c0nceited and all other shits!..yeah,maybe i've g0t attitude.guess w0t f0lks?!,every1s g0t one!!!..it juz s0 happens dat i sh0w da real me!,i d0n't hide and pretend t0 be sum1 else!..but,maybe..living a life as a happy pers0n despite my trials isn't okay 4 s0me!..i d0n't abuse myself!,i kn0w my limitati0ns..and i kn0w when i've had en0ugh!

..sad 2 kn0w,dat n0 matter h0w hard u try 2 be h0nest and as open as p0ssible..,still,critism is everywhere!,dey judge me like i ain't g0t n0 sense of resp0nsibility...

..s0 easy 2 say,i've g0t l0tsa dreams...but few believes in them!

..diz is redicul0us!

..well,w0t i hate da m0st is being SW0RN by s0me1 i th0ught i c0uld rely my trust,my em0ti0ns,everything!..but,an0ther less0n.,d0n't give ur trust fully!..NEWSFLASH!..at da end of da day,dey are da ones wh0 c0uld hurt u da m0st!

..i have just been sw0rn really hard 2nyt!.by da least pers0n i c0uld think of...., dat w0uld eva swear at me like hell!..but,end of st0ry,i d0n't wanna talk ab0ut him.in fact,i d0n't think i've g0t anything else t0 d0 wit him anym0re!

..i can't keep pe0ple like dat ar0und me!,wh0 c0uld just destr0y my wh0le being by thr0wing nasty w0rds at me,pulling me d0wn t0 da extent of having p0or self-esteem and manipulating me all da time with st0ries and lies 2 c0ver up!..f0r his own benefits!

..and he just d0n't have mercy 4me.

..d0n't mess up.

..n0 m0re t0 screw up! ^_-

hELLtirEd bUt fUn!

we arrived at durban later dat night!,was 11pm or s0,en we only slept at 1am afta havin' midnight snack!,damn!..dey w0ke me up 5:30am 2 walk on da beach..but it was really nice.....
Sunrise,gr0up of friends.....any cute guys??L0L.naaaah,i wasn't afta dat juz yet!,LMFA0.

we had a braai/BBQ party at da garden wit 2 white men. all i did was ate!,i c0uldn't st0p myself..!,en i cant st0p gaining weight as well!,hahahaha.KIDDING!..xx all i kn0w,im still alright!..xx b0ozes were everywhere!,drank redwhine,ciders..,jack daniels wit lime as tequila sh0ts!..s0 on en s0 on...

..afta da bbq party,we hit da WALA-WALA BAR!,yeah..en s0 literally der was N0THING special dat side!,hahaha. Juz drank springb0k sh0oters and an energy b0oster drink!,FLIP!i was s0 exhausted!

..driving ar0und da city den we dressed up again f0r CLUBBING dat night!,en yeah,we hit THE PANAMA R0OM. Twaz packed en happening!!! Da street were occupied by cars,en s0 our car were packed on the other side of da street..dat we had t0 walk juz 2 get in da club!,s0me party animal..wh0o0oeeww!,but it was all w0rth it! *d0n't even menti0ning dat i was wearing high-heels!*

s0 it was me,fred,sheryl en fr0ilan wh0 went in PANAMA.it was a l0unge disc0 club,VIPs,en a f0rmal attire 2 get in. Yeah,sheryl was da c0nnected one. She knew da owner dat we g0t der f0r free. En take n0te,da b0uncer assisted us t0 get inside thr0ugh da VIP entrance! Hmmm..n0w!..datz da p0wer of c0nnecti0ns baby!..hehe.

it was s0 packed!,l0tsa h0t chikkas en ofcurz l0tsa cute guys,t0o!,wahahaha;) but i had fun..really!!! At 1st,juz sittin' chillin' in da l0unge,sh0ts of tequillas 2 get started, st0rms en redsquare!..alth0ugh,still a bit drunk fr0m early dat aftern0on,rememba?..en talk ab0ut with N0 SLEEP!,but..hey?it was da SHIT!

afta a c0uple of drinks,we hit da dancefl0or..,drank again,vip l0unge balc0ny....ladies r0om???wahahaha. I kept on f0rcing myself t0 v0mmit...TWICE!,by placing my finger d0wn my thr0at!..i wanted 2 remain s0ber da wh0le night!,i'd s0ber up,drink again..s0ber up,dance..en s0 on. Fred en fr0ilan juz gave us m0ney en dey juz waited in da car. Hmmm,dey c0uldn't keep up wit me en sheryl,hahaha!..N0 REST,N0 SLEEP!..N0 TIRING OF PARTTTYYYIIIIIINNNNNNGGG!

..we didnt n0tice dat it was 6am already!..dat FRED had t0 c0me en fetched us inside da club!,hahaha.damn!..n0 sleepin',7am,we hit da beach..juz g0t in my sh0rts en white spaghetti t0p,en my r0xy cap...i played wit da water.,thr0win'sand with each other....en da rest of da gang were like,"WTF!..N0 REST YET STILL ENERGETIC!"..haha.

dey didn't even give me a chance 2 sleep juz yet,afta da beach!..i juz t0ok a sh0wer,dressed up...en went t0 USHAKA MARINE W0RLD. Well, s0 much things happened and space w0nt be en0ugh 2 write dem here. Twaz weird dat we met filipin0es der..but,ai..i'm a friendly pers0n even at 1st meeting,but ai...i didnt even say hi 2 dem.dunn0 why!..dey were all talking,but 4me,da vibe wasn't der!

as we g0t h0me,y0h!..i went STRAIGHT on da bed,kn0cked out!

i juz finished eating dinner n0w..en,i tink dey've g0t plans of g0ing t0 da filipin0 bar th0se pin0y menti0ned earlier...called,MANILA BAY!

..but i am still tired dat i wanna sleep again!,W0TEVA.if i w0uldn't be able t0 make it 2nyt..itz ok!,my weekend was an endless party already!..

s0...

r0adt3p!

..on da way 2 durban!,hmm..l0ngweekend it is!..WH000H0O0O!!!,l0ngh0urs of driving th0ugh!..we're r0llin on da r0ad as writing diz!..im wearing black h0oded r0xy jacket,black r0xy cap..en i am drinking inside da car!,hahaha..!,listening t0 l0ud music..wit GANI,SHERYL,CHITO and ME!!,s0me other friends already left off 2 durban!,.its already dark,but hey!..itz friday!,datz da p0int..a night out!!!..xx alth0ugh i am badly missing s0me0ne right n0w,but unf0rtunately,he c0uldn't make it!..shame:(

..drinking wine on da r0ad,,but i d0nt tink it'd eva make me drunk!..i d0nt kn0w,but i just feel like,life is t0o sh0rt t0 mumble ab0ut my pr0bs!,even th0ugh i w0uld sit at h0me,it w0uldnt s0lve anything!..en having fun in y0ur life is PRICELESS!..easy man,,im juz 22!,da next thing i kn0w,,il be 25,26,30???wh0 kn0ws!!!..yeah,blah,blah,blah....all i kn0w,diz t3p is g0nna be OFF DA H0OK!!!..fishing,cruising...sand on da beach,sunset!,clubbing,barh0pping..meeting new pe0ple..en wh0 kn0ws what diz h0liday has in st0re 4us...i bet,its g0nna be a l0t of fun!

t0o bad,my sister c0uldn't c0me wit us.i tink she's g0nna thr0w out a h0use party!wh0 da hell kn0ws?but im sure she's g0nna be okay,.cuz sim0ne is als0 g0nna be there!!!..xx

s0,yeah..i wish dat s0me0ne outder,,is actually enj0ying himself as well..!,its hard t0 tell,cuz we are s0 used 2b spending weekends t0gether!..xx

s0 g2g 4n0w,,ill enj0y da rest of diz j0urney...,da city lights,freeway!w0teva..damn!!,THANK G0D ITS FRIDAY!;)

xx..CIA0!..xx

piSsed off drunk!

wh0o0o!..w0t can i say?..it was a parrrttttyyyy on a thursday!,went t0 FRANKIS & BANANAS C0CKTAIL BAR...had l0ts of MALIBU en appletiser!,was wit SHERYL,SHYNE,JAYS0N,DERAN...aNd me,oFCurz!..xx

went t0 melville afterwardz!,it was packed..everybar were full!,,went t0 TRANCEKEI,and da music was heavymetal,en s0,we went t0 chill t0 SIX!,it was ac2ually nice.i had headache,but den,haha..fuck dat off!,,i had c0cktails,jaggerb0mb,redsquare and l0ts of tequilas!!!..xx

it was fun!,and im g0ing 2 durban 2m0ro...an0da 3days straight party!!!..xx

my baby juz let g0 2nyt...kei,datz w0t he wanted. S0 be it!

l0ts of invites...

takin' a cancerstick,listening 2 kak music at da m0ment...itz been quite a l0ng day!..g0tta finish up wit my laundries still,,and g0t l0tsa ph0ne calls!..hayy,,s0meh0w im missin' s0me0ne ryt n0w.. Diz oda guy.. A fling?n0t really..cuz my feelings 4him weren't juz dat. But,n0 c0mmitment inv0lved! G0od th0ugh,cuz i dun wanna hurt myself anym0re. But,itz kinda hard...

We were in a fight,and i decided 2 break it th0ugh!,cuz dat kinda relati0nship will get n0where...

Deran called. He invited me 2 chill wit his friends at FRANKEE EN BANANAS 2m0r0! S0unds g0od!,my s0cial life is pretty c0min' alive again.. Brian called up and wanted 2 meet up b4 i g0 2 DURBS on friday!..shit,i alm0st 4g0t, Dellas is als0 inviting me as well 2 his birthday bash on friday! Well,what tah do n0t 2 disapp0int him? I've g0t other plans n0w.. Well,we'll get t0 dat later!..xx

Seems like every0ne can't get ova wit w0t happened last saturday!HAHA. I puked while we were playing da "drinking game"!, i had n0t much 2 drink,but i threw up!..and gez w0t?..i puked next wit diz oda guy!..LMA0. Dat was s0 embarrasing!,but ai... It was s0 funny later on!.. Imagine,i v0mmit on his pants!LOL. CrazZzY mE,huh??!

I d0n't really feel like washing my cl0thes 2nyt,but i have t0. Or elz,i will have n0thing 2 wear on friday 4da l0ng weekend!..or,i c0uld sh0w up NAKED!..KIDDING;p

itz g0nna be a l0ngdrive again,and itz g0nna be fun..!t0o bad,i aint g0nna be wit special s0me0ne!..juz wit fwenz!,SINGLE LIFE IT IS!!!haha.

n0 ones ar0und,except my sista..hayyy,itz kinda hard wen u have 2b by urself!,i juz need 2b financially independent..and i'm all sharp!..en livin' independently is n0t always fun!..except FREED0M!..hahahaha!..datz da advantage of it,i guess!,and learning 2 stand up n0 matter w0t wen u fall..!be m0tivated all da tym,and learning 2b t0ugh!..w0t can i say?..I L0VE CHALLENGES!..xx

i'm kinda sleepy n0w.but,i need 2 get d0ne wit my tasks! Laundry,laundry,laundry...and m0o0ore laundry!..hayyy! Well,w0t 2 c0mplain? Juz put in da dirty cl0thes inside da damn washing machine..and take a nap 4a while!LOL.

i w0nda h0w da party is g0nna turn out 2m0r0!..HELL0 FABUL0US!!!;)

i miss y0u babe:(
but i need t0 let g0..... :'(

i believe i g0tta make da right ch0ices,other than getting hurt...s0rry.

cAncErstiCk:p

'juz here all day at h0me. I've g0t a 4day seminar starting tom0rr0w. I am just so excited. Yet, I d0n't kn0w what t0 expect. An opportunity that is waiting right there to be grabbed.

Sitting here on the couch and i am craving for a 'cancerstick',LOL. If you are a real c0nsumer,believe me..one day is like f0rever!xx

It's my bestfriend's birthday t0m0rr0w. Awww, I miss her s0 much. We kinda grew up t0gether. But, ai.. We have t0 g0 separate ways!

A so-called "friend" ph0ned just n0w. For a minute, I was singing as he was playing HILARY DUFF's tracks! But, he began playing with the s0ngs and it kinda irritated me! Eish! Anyways, wh0 cares? He's irritating me,BIG TIME,these past few days! He w0uld call me or I w0uld call him 3am or s0, everyday and it w0uld always end up with a fight! I just feel like unspecial because he's g0t other pri0rities than me. Well,guess what?You d0n't play that game with me,because y0u're starting t0 ann0y me!

Anyh0w,s0..the dinner is c0oked.yet,n0b0dy's in the dining..except me. My sister is busy chatting again. Asusual!;p

cancerstick:'( i'm cravin' 4ya!..xx

...wOw!,my 1st bLoG iN dA bLoGsPot!..niCe!!!;)hmMm..hOw dO i stArt?,wELL,,fiRst oF,iF u arE a bLoGgEr likE mE,i fEatUrE mOst oF mY evErydAy liviNg aNd thOuGhtS!..thiS iS hOw i exPrEsS my fEELiNgS!;p my oNLiNe diAry!..xx sOmE miGht nOt uNdErStAnd,bUt,hEy!..i aiNt gOt nOthiN' tAh hiDe!.,jUz cOmE aLoNg wiT my jOurnEy;)1stLy,jUz likE aNybOdy eLsE i gUeSs??,liFe cAn bE crUel sUmtYmz!..bUt uHhh,oOpZ!,let mE tAkE it diZ waY..LiFe cAn bE sO chALLeNgiN' dAt iT dOeSn'T aLwAyS gO oN yOur wAy!..dA kEywOrDs??..'STRIVE HARDER!'..xxwELL,sOmE pEopLe sAy dAt...U CAN SUCCEED IF U WOULD JUST BELIEVE!..(amEn!),wEL,lifE cAn bE sO tOugH,,bUt i bELiEvE dAt i wiL sUcCeEd!:)eN sO...i hAvE chOsEn tO livE mY liFe iN a hUgE ciTy witHoUt my fAMiLy bUt my siStEr.i bELiEvE dAt iT is a hUgE opPortUniTy fOr mE. dA hArdwOrk mAy nOt bE pAid oUt imMediAtELy,bUt i gOtTa bE pAtiEnt..i wiLL gEt dEr;)wELL,,itZ aLmOst 6am nOw..eN i aiNt sLeEpiN' jUz yEt!..xxtOdAy iS a nEw dAy:) chEck oUt wOtz gOnNa bE piMpiN' 2dAy!..aS iL bE writiN' hErE latEr wOtz bEeN uP wiT mE 2dAy!..xx bUt..CIAO F0R NOW! ñ_ñ