tired...

just had a bunch of w0rk lately. . .
and still d0! :'/

exhausted...

i am damn exhausted. just lying down in the room and my eyes are about to close any time soon. Actually, i am waiting for 12am to come because we usually call each other at that time.

Just came from the movie with my cousins/friends: milet,rye,michael and jhoi...and my sis,tenten.
watched m0vies at WATERFR0NT.
(da fast and the furi0us /17 again..)

but bef0re that happened,
my m0m organised a get-t0gether for a s0-called "welc0me party" f0r me.
haha-- do i really need that? hahaha..
but happy at da same time because pe0ple in bl0em seem nicer t0 me than what i expected.
(y0u kn0w,s0me0ne actually put stuff in my head that way: that pe0ple here hates me!)

i h0pe everything turns out just fine. . .
[cr0ssed-finger]

i miss richard s0 much.
but,g0nna see him s0oo0onnn!!!
[excited]
can't wait!

s0 far?
everything's c0ol.
unless "th0se pretenders" get in the scene again!

they can try:)

day 1.

en i miss him already:(

s0mething's been bugging me lately.
i d0n't kn0w wh0 t0 trust!

terrible hangover!

i'll be leaving JOHANNESBURG tomorrow for good.
Should i be happy about it? I dont really know about that.
you might be stepping ahead, but i am leaving someone important behind. Geez, i will miss my friends,sister and richard so much:(

am i crying?or did i?
NO.-- and it is a terrible thing that i am getting used to.

Cherry called me yesterday. She wanted to be with me for the last time. Ritch let me go, although, he wanted to spend the last two days with me.

i had so much to drink that its not even funny.
They have dropped me home this morning that i was still sleeping in the car. Woke me up with puke at the backseat. Ha ha ha. That was mine from last night,by the way!
i ended up giving money to Cherry and send it to the car wash.

Slept like a deadsquid.
when i woke up, i looked for ice cubes and coke. I meant, lots and lots of ice!
there were lots of food in the fridge, Ritchie shopped for me. but i dont think my system appreciates any of that at the time. Just had one muffin instead,& threw up again!

shit happens!

shit,the lapt0p is s0o0o fucked up!

it g0t infected by s0-called TR0JAN H0RSE.
and its driving me nuts!

im using my ph0ne t0 blog at the m0ment,
oh my!
what on earth did i do to deserve this?
just as s0 i still have 500MB at least!
ritchie let me used his free 1GB,
and n0w?
just my luck!!!

what a bad day!

maturity...

s0unds like a bigw0rd 2me..
kn0w why?
-cuz i d0nt kn0w h0w t0 measure whether one's mature en0ugh or still n0t.

s0,w0t determines maturity? is it h0w many experiences y0u have c0nquered?,h0w many battles y0u have taken the risks?..by thinkin'all thr0ugh bef0re d0ing certain acti0ns?,or simply by "backing-off" t0 draw the line bef0re spreading s0me m0re c0nflicts/pr0blems?

i kn0w which one ab0ve all th0se questi0ns dat i d0..but,w0uld that make me "mature en0ugh"?when is en0ugh anyway?

if i c0uld only make sense by giving an example. . .

here's one.

this oda lady had a relati0nship b4..l0okin s0 happy in fr0nt of pe0ple dey kn0w,..a st0ry dat'Z been g0in on behind-cl0sed-d0or.
"unhappiness".
insulted by da partner's family, a partner dat neva st0od up..,lies-made meant 4her,
en s0 f0rth...

she's ch0sen n0t 2 fightback,tryin 2 av0id tr0uble.
but,.d0es dat make her a c0ward?,
or thinkin' thru c0nsequences [if m0r tr0uble happens]
is maturity?

OR,
by n0t lettin any1 bring u d0wn is?

s0.,
w0t is MATURITY?

....."my mistake!"^^,)o"

just in the room. no one's home....
just me.

perhaps, reality is.. it has been only me from the very beginning. it might as well involved other people with whatever my decision is, but to think about it... they were involved, they were considered, they were in the process... but, it has always been "me" or "just you"... the decision has always been mine alone, it has been up to me....


thinking through all the mistakes i have made in the past, we often find someone to blame. but reality is, we always find it difficult to feel responsible for that certain action....
and if we do, we tend to have self-pity.

whenever i try to look back, i often asked myself, could i just be that dumb? or stupid? or perhaps, just my PRIDE. - "its so hard to believe that your ego has been stepped on just like that!".


huh!-
i used to blame other people or someone regarding consequenses of that so-called "mistake". but to think about it, in some cases, even though i didn't know it was gonna happen..., on the other hand, i have contributed some parts for that to happen. i have let that happen...

but,
its all true. you learn from those mistakes. instead of whining and complaining, i have learnt to apply those so-called "mistakes" not to make another mistake!


i'm sure you can picture those people who locked themselves out in ther rooms, drink as hard as they could, or even worse....
if you haven't gone in that situation, it might look funny for some... to the obvious reaction- "weird!", "stupid!", or "you did that to yourself".
I WAS ONE OF THOSE!..
nope, not the critics!
the first one.


would i wanna go back? NO!, but i don't feel regrets it happened. a bit of a cliche if i would say, "it made me stronger"...or "thats what has made me become who and what i am now"...but i guess i have to, because its true.


nowadays i only realized, "there's no such thing as bad experience, only good lessons".
.........and that is reality.
nobody has done that to you, but yourself.
at the end of the day, it has always been just "YOU".

it has always been "me".
........."myself".

i miss you........

*************************

I miss you

I miss your smile

And I still shed a tear

Every once in a while

And even though it's different now

You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go

And I need you to know

I miss you,

I know you're in a better place

But I wish that I could see your face,

I know you're where you need to be

Even though it's not here with me

"Innocence"

Waking up I see that everything is OK

The first time in my life and now it's so great

Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that

make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it

This is the best feeling

[Chorus]

This innocence is brilliantI hope that it will stay

This moment is perfect

Please don't go away

I need you now

And I'll hold on to it

Don't you let it pass you by

i really love this song. This might as well goes for my baby-to-be...

n0thin's0 speCial...

burnin's0me selecti0ns in a CD. well,s0 i d0nt have 2 jump fr0m 1 cd t0 an0ther just t0 listen 2 my fave s0ngz...
u bet,.da cd includes s0ng c0mpilati0ns of alanis,avril lavigne,da c0rrs,natalie imbruglia,bic runga,sixpence n0ne da richer's greatest hits ofc0urse!^^

me,shyne en ritchie in da r0om...
ritchie playing psp,asusual.!,shyne chattin,n0thin's new!!,en me in fr0nt of da lapt0p waitin 4 my new selecti0ns 2 get ripped..löl..

neh0w,.n0thin's0 special...juz wit da 2 special pe0ple in my life,lma0.

once i'm g0ne,.i'll miss these m0ments.
hayyy. . . .

i'm g0nna miss them.

nweiz,en0ugh drama...
itz ab0ut 2get d0ne!^^

t0odles!
m(^.^)w

itZ offiCial..

made my final decisi0n yesterday...i resigned.
i am officially unempl0yed..lma0.
i just dunn0 w0t 2 expect...
i am leavin'. . .
i h0pe everythin' will be 4 da better.
i just cant aff0rd t0 make any mistake at da m0ment. well,i guess bravery,.datz all i have 4 n0w...

Editorial Reviews
From Booklist

In the end, it is practical advice (words of tactical wisdom, that is) that gets us moving, motivated, and changing. Psychologist Frankel, author of Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office (2004), recognizes that fact by focusing on 75 "female" money mistakes--and how to correct them. For sure, there are a handful of different actions--getting in the money game, taking charge, spending wisely, learning money basics, saving and investing for the future, managing financial work potential, and playing it smart--that are then segmented into errors, no matter what the root causes. "Taking charge," for instance, admonishes those who don't trust their intuition and who let a deadbeat dad skirt his responsibilities, among others. Each reprimand, though, is accompanied by at least two coaching "how to overcome" tips and enlivened with client stories and personal anecdotes. Here, at last, is the commonsense retort to that old wives' tale that it's just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor one.

"Any woman intent on getting ahead should read this
book....a fascinating crash course."

....this is one of the books I am currently reading during my spare time. w0tz good about this book is teaching how female should actually change their thinking about m0ney., wise decisions on how to spend money and good inverstments in the future.....if you are not into reading books,well...tough luck because you are missing out. try eo at least getting in a habit and this is definitely one of a good book I would recommend to be a first!

difficult decisi0n... (III)

...alth0ugh i still g0 t0 w0rk,my head is messed up with questi0ns.
decisi0n,decisi0nnn...
alth0 i am still here,i haven't made my final decisi0n yet.,cuz at da end of da day...diz is a career we are talking ab0ut.
what makes it difficult???
my decisi0n t0day is the impact of t0m0rrow-


"huh!-whats s0 difficult ab0ut it?",i was c0ntented staying here en suddenly,a change of mind!..i CAN persue my g0als in here,i CAN persue my g0als in there... but i CAN'T take a bad decisi0n that will affect me in 5years time..

yeah,y0u bet-
i can just LEAVE and study there.
but i can als0 STAY and study here...en get paid!!!..
call me materialistic,but yes,m0ney talks!..
m0ney cant buy me happiness...but m0ney can als0 buy me things that can make me happy!..if i have m0ney,life makes it easier f0r me..,cuz reality is,.n0thin's f0r free.
...if u disagree wit me that m0ney d0esn't matter is a hyp0crite,or pr0bably d0n't have en0ugh.
w0t makes it difficult?
my decisi0n 2day can affect my l0ng-term g0als.@23yrs old,CAREER 1st!

difficult decisi0n... (II)

i have started w0rking again under the same c0mpany,ofc0urse...

there are newc0mers t0o..en dat includes my other friend,.SIM0NE.but only on a part-time basis.

our b0ss,ELLEN..called us f0r a meeting. there she t0ld us,she has implemented new systems and there are g0nna be a l0t of changes. and s0 she t0ld me in fr0nt of other staff,.i will be staying up until 2m0nths time..(en said,even if i d0nt have t0 g0,dat'd be much better).

s0unds flattering.
h0w many empl0yers wud ask an empl0yee t0 stay,other than getting fired?,but i have t0 g0. the pr0blem is,i c0uldn't reject her in fr0nt of the other staffs,.i just n0dded and smile. . .

difficult decisi0n... (I)

i was ab0ut t0 g0 t0 bl0emf0ntein last m0nday...
my stepdad fetched me t0gether with my y0ungest sista..TENTEN.

my bags were all packed,me en ritchie had g0odbyes en s0 as with my c0lleagues..
time t0 say g0odbye pr0perly with my b0ss...but,she begged me t0 stay 4 a m0nth..
i c0uldn't say "n0",the way she talked t0 me c0uld make me l0ok like a bad pers0n if i still left...[datz h0w g0od my b0ss is at persuasi0n..].

i g0t sec0nd th0ughts..en what-if's at da back of my head.
"am i really ready t0 leave?".

i called my stepdad,.
and i have made my decisi0n,"i am n0t g0ing with..."
i feel s0 s0rry and like an evil sister t0 tenten,.she is just nine. she has travelled 4h0urs or s0,.that she was s0 excited t0 fetch en be with me...
...en there was ritchie hugging me,"i stayed."

held baCk...

...i've been held back fr0m g0ing t0 bl0em.

never be da last. . .

..w0ke up this m0rning with an aut0matic th0ught,"is ritchie g0ing t0 w0rk t0day?". itz a sunday m0rning,perfect f0r a breakfast s0mewhere...

i g0tta leave t0m0rr0w. my h0r0sc0pe (yeah,.i d0 read 'em..n0t necessarily believin' in them but just as s0 i have guidelines...). yeah,as i was sayin,.my h0r0sc0pe says "listen t0 ur intuiti0n". well,my intuiti0n says.."it is g0nna w0rk out,.i just have t0 trust myself". oh well,i w0uldn't really make such decisi0ns if i haven't th0ught ab0ut it like a milli0n times,right?

me and ritchie headed f0r breakfast in w0olw0rths,s0me kinda café they have in REV0NIA SQUARE. saw Pr0mise in there..[yup,thats her name,btw],wh0 i used 2 w0rk with en had a lil chitchat wit her... finished our bfast en rented 2m0vies diz tym ar0und- i'm g0nna miss these m0ments with him... :(

i kn0w he misses me already. i c0uld tell by the way he hugs me. he d0esn't wanna let g0.

we will see each other again,.thats f0r sure. . .

cuz this...
is neva g0nna be our last.........

...tenxs0much!;]

hi MAC D.

tenxs0much 4 da c0mment. . .

yeah,.i guess m0st of da time- w0rk,study en a relati0nship are pretty t0ugh t0 deal with all at da same time.
i am really glad en an h0n0ur t0 me as well that u actually take y0ur time 2 read sum of my bl0gs...


y0u are definitely right,my friend...
there are s0me decisi0ns in our lives we need t0 face,despite there's a sad-side all0cated out of it...

only means,we cann0t get everything we want...but there's always ch0ices!;]


once again,
thanx4resp0nding...
MAC D.
of Michigan,USA.

decisi0n,decisi0n....c0nfusi0n,decisi0n....c0nfusi0o0nnnn!!!..

i have t0ld my m0m im leaving on sunday.
i d0n't kn0w w0t 2 expect.. im kinda havin' mixed em0ti0ns...
scared,
nerv0us,
excited...
happy,
yet sad....

bl0emf0ntein-sandt0n?,OMG,.4-5h0urs drive.i h0pe me en ritch can make it.alth0 we'd only see each other every weekend...public h0lidays and l0ng weekend. all i'm tellin myself,."it'll w0rk,.it'll w0rk..." - i truly h0pe s0,.and i kn0w it will. . .

an0ther j0urney.

i often tell myself, this might just be an0ther chapter of my life... but this time? i d0n't wanna say it s0.
this might be an0ther j0urney, but its just a c0ntinuati0n of the chapter i am at right n0w... i kn0w its an0ther phase of challenges but i can't let g0 of w0t i'm having right n0w..- i and richard's.

...and 4da rec0rd?
i still have an unfinished business.
s0 until then...
i am n0t d0ne yet.

j0urney still c0ntinues....

stEp uP...

..watching STEP UP 2,[again!!!-4a milli0n times by n0w..],.juz neva eva g0t tired watchin it ova en ova!

didn't g0 2 w0rk 2day,.washing laundries at da m0ment..,all al0ne in the FLAT en all i hear is m0vie chattin in da backgr0und en n0ise of washingmachine dat is ab0ut 2 get d0ne... cat outside trying t0 get in en j0in me,.while v0ices in my head seem l0uder than th0se things. sh0uld i listen t0 my instincts?

what if i'm ab0ut t0 make a decisi0n that w0uldn't w0rk out in the end? am i being unfair? selfish??? or perhaps, just gr0wing up en juz g0nna d0 whatz da right thing. . .